


Secret Stash of Unsent Letters

by flutter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Funny, Gag, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-13
Updated: 2005-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-12 02:24:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/485651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flutter/pseuds/flutter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letters never sent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Voldemort's Secret Stash of Unsent Letters

**Author's Note:**

> This was just for fun-sies.

**(01)**   
  


> Dumbledore,
> 
> Why don’t you just die already? Oh wait, you did!
> 
> Hugs & Kisses,  
> Voldemort

  
  
**(02)**   
  


> Harry Potter,
> 
> You keep thwarting me; stealing my thunder. One day I will keeeel you dead!
> 
> Your Enemy Forever (until I kill you),  
> Voldemort
> 
> p.s. – Remember when I possessed you? That was neat. Except when you made me leave with all that gushy, mushy, love crap. I mean, come on, we could have had a night of fun, ending with you bathed in my green light!

  
  
  
**(03)**   
  


> Bellatrix,
> 
> Please stop calling me “Voldy”—only Severus can call me that. Consequently, dear, you’re looking a bit ragged. Wanna come over and we can give each other facials?
> 
> Your Master,  
> Lord Voldemort

  
  
  
**(04)**   
  


> Dearest Severus,
> 
> If I were capable of love, I would say ours flowed like a river. A red, red, river.
> 
> Kisses,  
> Voldy

  
  
**(05)**   
  


> Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom,
> 
> Sorry you both went all barking mad. I only wish I could have been there.
> 
> Lord Voldemort

  
  
  
**(06)**   
  


> Dear Draco,
> 
> You’ve failed me, just like that father of yours. Why aren’t you dead yet?
> 
> I could have been your Master if you just let me,  
> Lord Voldemort

  
  
**(07)**   
  


> To the Minister of Magic,
> 
> I bet you’d like to know where I am. Ha. Ha.
> 
> The Wizarding Community’s resident “Big Bad Meanie”,  
> Lord Voldemort

  
  
  
**(08)**   
  


> Dear Lucius,
> 
> How is it, rotting in Azkaban? Hope life’s treating you well because, when you eventually escape, I want you to be alive and healthy when I make you watch while I defile your son with a broom handle.
> 
> FEAR ME,  
> Lord Voldemort
> 
> p.s. Don’t let Goyle braid your hair, he never keeps them even.

  
  
  
**(09)**   
  


> Dear Nagini,
> 
> Sometimes I think you’re the only one who really understands me. I’m the Dark Lord and that’s a tough job. No one else seems to _get_ that.
> 
> Next week I’m going to try to teach you to fetch my slippers. Can snakes fetch?
> 
> Snuggle,  
> Lord Voldemort

  
  
**(10)**   
  


> Wormtail,
> 
> If you don’t stop scurrying around on the floor like a fucking rat I’m going to start making obscene gestures and telling everyone you want to suck my cock.
> 
> Why didn’t I kill you when I had the chance?
> 
> Lord Voldemort


	2. Bellatrix Black Lestrange's Unsent Letters

**(01)**   
  


> Dear Cissy,
> 
> Mother always liked you best. I should  
> have dumped you from your cradle when  
> you were a babe.
> 
> "Oh, Narcissa" this and "Oh, Narcissa"  
> that--"look at all that beautiful blonde  
> hair."
> 
> If you were here I'd spit on you.
> 
> Love you like a Sister,  
> Bella
> 
> P.S. Sorry your husband's in jail and  
> your son is a Loser.

  
  
  
**(02)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Crabbe,
> 
> Stop following me! I meant to flash  
> the Dark Lord, not you.
> 
> I mean, really, you're like a stupid  
> dog.
> 
> I. Eat. Dogs.
> 
> Go away,  
> Bellatrix  
> 

  
  
  
**(03)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Lucius,
> 
> I have a dungeon.
> 
> If only you hadn't married my sister,  
> had a kid, let down the Dark Lord and  
> been shipped off to Azkaban.
> 
> I could have you shown you what I keep  
> in there.
> 
> Pity.
> 
> Kisses,  
> Bellatrix  
> 

  
  
  
**(04)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Rodolphus,
> 
> We never do anything anymore. If you spend  
> another night getting drunk on fire whiskey,  
> I'm packing up and moving in with my sister.
> 
> Bella
> 
> P.S. You're kind of boring in bed, where  
> she is not, so I may just leave you anyway.  
> 

  
  
  
**(05)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Voldy,
> 
> If Severus wasn't your boy-toy I'd be  
> your favorite again, right?
> 
> I can fix that!
> 
> No rest for the Wicked,  
> Bella  
> 

  
  
  
**(06)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Sirius, my filthy blood-traitor of a cousin,
> 
> If you had taken your time to fall through  
> that veil I would have had more time to  
> cackle. With glee.
> 
> Watching your laughing face turn into a  
> puzzled one is currently my favorite moment  
> ever. I may just pensieve that bitch to  
> share with everyone.
> 
> Thanks for one last giggle,  
> Bellatrix  
> 

  
  
  
**(07)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Longbottom Brat,
> 
> You know, when we were torturing your Mum & Dad,  
> they didn't once mention you. I guess they knew  
> then that you were pretty worthless--probably  
> thought you were a squib.
> 
> Now you're just this chubby little loser I want to  
> shrink and stick in my pocket. You could amuse me  
> when my husband drones on about his love for Macnair.
> 
> Or I could just finish your family off and you can  
> all be residents of St. Mungo's.
> 
> Watch your back,  
> Bellatrix Lestrange  
> 

  
  
  
**(08)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Longbottoms,
> 
> They say that when you're in Azkaban the Dementors'  
> effect is to relive your worst moments.
> 
> The ministry would like to think that I was tormented  
> each long day and each insufferable night with the  
> memory of driving you insane. I just kept reliving  
> my wedding day.
> 
> The days my thoughts drifted to you were the days  
> I felt strangely lucid.
> 
> Thanks for all the good times,  
> Bellatrix Lestrange  
> 

  
  
  
**(09)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Severus,
> 
> If it weren't for you _I_ would be the Dark Lord's  
>  favorite again.
> 
> I never had to exchange sexual favors to be his  
> favorite before but I will if I have to.
> 
> For what it's worth, I'm probably going to kill you.
> 
> I have to go drown puppies now.
> 
> Peace,  
> Bellatrix  
> 

  
  
  
**(10)**   
  


> Harry Potter,
> 
> You came along and spoiled all of my fun; my life turned  
> to shit the day Voldy found out about you.
> 
> Now everything is "Harry Potter" blah, blah and "You've  
> failed me again" blah, blah. I tell you, you and your  
> special head connection with the Dark Lord pisses me off.
> 
> All he ever does lately is whine and I don't want to be  
> known as Bellatrix, _Empress to the Wizarding World_ , who  
> overthrew a cry-baby.
> 
> Just die like you should so I can get my Ev0L on.
> 
> Bellatrix Lestrange


	3. Draco Malfoy's Unsent Letters

**(01)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Potter,
> 
> I owe you pain.
> 
> Hope you're not a heavy sleeper,  
> Malfoy  
> 

  
  
  
**(02)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Crabbe,
> 
> You're as stupid as Goyle.
> 
> I liked you better when you were a girl.
> 
> Look, a tent!  
> Draco  
> 

  
  
  
**(03)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Goyle,
> 
> You're as stupid as Crabbe.
> 
> I liked you better when you were a girl.
> 
> Hey, something's just come up!  
> Draco

  
  
  
**(04)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Pansy,
> 
> Remember when you said you'd do anything to,  
> for, and with me?
> 
> Meet me in the Prefect's bathroom at  
> midnight--wear a nightie.
> 
> Draco  
> 

  
  
  
**(05)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Blaise,
> 
> Stupid Pretty Face.
> 
> Commit to the Ev0L or back away slowly.
> 
> Draco
> 
> p.s. AND STOP PREENING.  
> YOU'RE NOT PRETTIER THAN ME.  
> 

  
  
  
**(06)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Dumbledore,
> 
> I could have done it if you hadn't pulled  
> that garbage about protecting my mum.
> 
> Now you'll never know,  
> Draco Malfoy  
> 

  
  
  
**(07)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Granger,
> 
> Some days I want to hex you till it hurts.  
> Other days I want you and Pansy to switch minds;  
> you were HAWT (for a filthy little mudblood)  
> back at the Yule Ball in 4th year.
> 
> That doesn't mean I won't still try to kill you  
> and your friends, though.
> 
> Malfoy  
> 

  
  
  
**(08)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Weasley,
> 
> You're my King. When I lie in my bed at night,  
> tucked between green, silk sheets, I think of  
> that red hair gliding down my stoma--wait, no!  
> I HATE YOU.
> 
> Die, die, die,  
> Malfoy  
> 

  
  
  
**(09)**   
  


>   
> 
> 
> Mum,
> 
> *whine*
> 
> Hugs and Kisses,  
> Puppy  
> 

  
  
  
**(10)**   
  


> Snape,
> 
> Stop stealing my glory! I am not a little  
> boy and you are _not_ my Daddy!
> 
> *stomps foot*
> 
> Draco

 


End file.
